Do Not Hide Behind Your Anger

I struggle with anger sometimes. How do I keep myself from being overtaken by it?

My anger is rarely loud and explosive. More often than not, it is a quiet simmering. My jaw clenches or my chest tightens or I silently withdraw. For a long time, I thought anger was something to suppress, especially as a pastor and a therapist. But I’ve come to believe that anger, when named honestly and held before God, can be a helpful teacher.

Psychologically, anger is a signal. It tells us that a boundary has been crossed, an injustice felt, or a deep longing left unmet. The problem isn’t that we get angry. The problem emerges when anger is ignored. Left unexplored, anger can leak into our relationships as bitterness and even negatively impact our physical health.

Biblically, God invites us not to repress our anger but express it to Him. Read the Psalms. They are full of angry people crying out to God. They teach us not to be ashamed or embarrassed by our anger but rather direct it to the one who can handle the rage. This is why the Bible tells us to “be angry” and “not sin” (Psalms 4:4). God does not say, “Never be angry.”

Yet anger can be overwhelming and sometimes scary. So here are a few tips to make wading into these more turbulent waters a bit less intimidating.

1. Acknowledge Your Anger

Anger often disguises itself. It leaks out as sarcasm, irritability, withdrawal, or tension in the body. Identifying when we are angry is the first step. When you feel off, pause and ask yourself:

1) “Am I angry right now?”

2) “What just happened that triggered this?”

3) “Where in my body is my anger located right now?”

2. The 10, 10, 10, 10 Question

I often find it helpful to ask myself,“How much will this matter in 10 hours, 10 weeks, 10 months, 10 years?” This question gives me perspective. If the issue will not really matter in 10 hours, why am I so mad? But if the issue will impact me 10 years from now, then clearly, I experienced a deep betrayal that needs to be addressed.

3. “Cool Down” Rituals

Instead of reacting impulsively, build a simple, repeatable ritual when anger flares. For instance, as you feel your frustration grow, maybe step outside and recite Psalm 23. “Cool down” rituals help us create bridges between emotional honesty and emotional responsibility so that we don’t allow our anger to hurt others.